Is the Topknot the Modern-Gay Mullet?

A photo of a sexy guy with a topknot.
Photo: Instagram

A topknot-ch trend that needs to end — the topknot has to go.

We admit, in the early stages of the topknot phenomenon, we too were aroused — at one point even partaking in the craze ourselves. However, the novelty quickly diminished, and like Goldie Hawn in the 1987 classic, the gay community went Overboard. We’re approaching a topknot epidemic — they’re whipping up your complex coffee orders and gyrating next to you during spin class. Like a severe case of head herpes, the topknot is popping up everywhere.

As a demographic of primarily gay readers, we know what you’re thinking … “Blasphemy!” But let us be clear, the the trendy topknot and the timeless man bun are very different.

Still not sure how to tell the difference? Let’s clarify.

A photo posted by @manbunmonday on

Topknot: It’s underdeveloped but meticulously arranged and manicured, which suggests anal-retentive tendencies. The drastic change in hair length implies indecisiveness — obviously the incarnation of subconscious commitment issues.

A photo posted by Chad Wood (@cwconrad) on

Manbun: It’s fully developed, effortlessly maintained and tended to, which suggests self-confidence. The uniform hair length embodies stamina and commitment even under tumultuous conditions — the perfect presentation of function and fashion.

Looking at the provided images, you should note a few key differences.

  1. The Size
    • No matter what you heard, size matters.
  2. The Shape
    • Of course the shape matters, You don’t want it to be too thin. Come on!
  3. The Texture
    • This can vary.
  4. The Functionality
    • How well it gets the job done.
  5. The Location
    • Where you stick it matters, too.

The breakdown above may provide assistance in a topknot self-diagnosis — review symptoms with care. If you believe you or someone you know has been affected by the topknot please seek immediate help.

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