Imagine you’re with a guy who seems to have everything you’re looking for — he’s tall, athletic, perfect five o’clock shadow and he resembles Hugh Jackman in all the right ways. It’s time to give him a BJ that will make him yours forever (or at least for tonight). You can’t wait to show him your skills …
You unzip his jeans and start going to town. Suddenly you get a funky taste in your mouth. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but who cares (he’s so hot). He explodes and you realize the bad taste in your mouth was — him. The texture, the taste, the smell, everything about his jizz makes you gag, but you smile anyway. “You taste so good,” you say begrudgingly.
No one should ever experience this, from either end of the yogurt launcher. Whether you realize it or not, there are so many things you can do to make your man batter taste as delicious as cake batter. And the secret isn’t your diet. Well, not just your diet, anyway. The secret to sweet nectar is a healthy lifestyle — physically and emotionally.
Some guys have a salty, disgustingly bitter load, but you can make yours taste better. In order to make yours taste exactly how you want it to, you need to know what’s in it.
Man milk is full of fructose, sodium, protein, vitamins and various other traces of minerals and nutrients.
It’s unclear why the taste differs from man to man, but knowing the ingredients in your jizz will undoubtedly help you control its taste and texture. Many things affect your spunk. Here’s what you need to know:
Drink more water.
Seminal fluid is mainly composed of water. If you don’t have enough, the volume of your load will be low and it probably won’t taste very good. The more water you drink, the more toxins you’ll be able to clean from your system — I’m talking chemicals from all the food you eat: Fast food, candy bars, and cheap cocktails.
Limit the caffeine and cigarettes.
Not only is this bad for your overall health, but it’s also not a great idea if you want your man to crave your jizz on a summer day. Caffeine takes the sweet taste away from semen, while cigarettes leave tar inside your system, which creates a heavy bitter taste. If you can get your caffeine from tea instead and throw away the cigs altogether, you have a better chance at making a lasting impression.
Add cinnamon to everything.
It’s unclear exactly why cinnamon is good for semen, but it does something to a man’s system by masking over the bad tastes. Its potency can be much stronger than the rest, leaving a sweeter taste in your mouth as it counteracts with the saltiness. Peppermint and peppers also show to have similar outcomes, but never as prominent as cinnamon.
Eat fruits high in citric acid (i.e., pineapple).
The natural sugar mixes with your body’s processing system, which leads all the way down to your jizz factory. These kinds of fruits include blueberries, cranberries, strawberries, plums, pineapples, oranges, grapefruits and kiwi. These fruits also help with texture, making your semen feel lighter and cleaner, which makes it easier to swallow, too.
Go for poultry. Steer clear of red meat.
I’m not a big fan of red meat in general. It has a habit of clogging arteries as well as important tubing that help us go to the bathroom (putting it lightly). Research also shows that eating a lot of red meat and fish makes semen taste buttery (and not in a good way), which is why poultry (chicken, turkey, duck et al) is much better. It’s good for the digestive system, which makes processing easier, and the taste hardly has a bad effect.
Celery and watermelon are magical.
If there is one vegetable you need to eat every single day, it’s celery. You know the citrusy aftertaste? That’s the key; it hydrates us like no other veggie, and like magic, it prevents semen from tasting bitter. It has a reverse effect, virtually cleansing all the bitterness away.
Related: How to Cook With Man Batter
Watermelon has the same hydrating effect that celery does. It can also make semen taste sweeter (similar to acidic fruits). But it’s primary value is with texture. Watermelon reduces the thickness of semen’s texture, making it less goopy and more smooth. Basically, it turns jizz into a cream smoothie.
Avoid foods high in sulfur.
These foods include cauliflower, cabbage, beans, some nuts and broccoli (sorry, guys). All of these help with a bitter after taste. Similarly, you should also avoid foods with foul smells, like garlic and onions.
Here’s my rule of thumb: if they make your breath and sweat smell bad, chances are they’re going to make your semen taste oily and sour while smelling foul and gross. I love garlic fries just as much as the next foodie, but all good things can exist in small quantities. You don’t want to fuck up two weeks of a good diet with two plates of garlic fries.
Avoid eggs and dairy.
The biggest culprit is bacteria. Milk, cheese, yogurt, ice cream and eggs have a lot of bacteria. Don’t get me wrong, some of it is good bacteria human bodies needs, but we can get that anywhere. It’s better to substitute cow milk for almond milk or soy milk, just to save us from the bad kind of bacteria, which latches onto all the bad stuff, making it more potent.
When I say organic, I mean clean. You don’t need to full vegetarian or vegan (although they have the best tasting jizz due to their veggie and fruit intake), but it’s best to cut off fast food and processed junk. Most of the chemicals within these foods are not made for digestion – they get processed through our organs and leave our sweat, odor and semen smelling dank and gross. The cleaner your diet is, the better you’ll taste. Period.
In conclusion …
Your jizz is not going to taste like candy overnight. For the most part, it takes a couple weeks of living a clean lifestyle for your body to detox itself from previous habits. If you’re like me and need to do it in baby steps, try implementing these things every single day:
- Drink more water
- Eat at least one citrus fruit a day
- Eat one celery stick a day (you can blend it in a smoothie or add it to a salad).
- Make cinnamon your favorite spice.
- And … go organic.